Welcome to our Homestead

Welcome to Rocky Oak Homestead™

A quiet, peaceful sanctuary from the chaos of everyday living in a world on the brink of insanity! A place where we prepare for the worst, but hope for the best!

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Tuesday, December 26, 2017

2017 Year End Reflections,goals and lessons learned!

Every year I like to reflect on what I've experienced, but more importantly what lessons I learned from those experiences...It has been another year of learning for sure!

I lost my dad in 2016 and that was very much a learning experience for me, I found what unconditional love truly meant and what a wonderful thing it was to forgive someone who was really never sorry for what they had done to you...I learned it brought me peace to forgive...

In 2017 I lost my best friend of 21 years...it was the biggest thing I faced...In many ways it was harder than losing my dad...A relationship with a best friend is different than a relationship with your dad...My best friend had been there for so much in my life...the ups, the downs, the good, the bad and ugly as they say...We met when were both foster parents, we adopted our girls close together, we both suffered health issues, we had issues with our children(gasp! they weren't perfect...LOL...sarcasm intended) and we lost our parent within 3 weeks of each other, her mom...my dad...10 months later I lost her...still not sure how I feel about it all...I have struggled alot...I've struggled trying to figure out how I feel...it all happened so fast...she was sick for awhile but she had an autoimmune disease so it wasn't out of the ordinary for her to feel ill at times...in May we talked on the phone and she was feeling a little nauseous and tired...by mid May she was being diagnosed with pneumonia and no matter what meds they gave her she just wasn't responding...she had had breast cancer 4.5 years earlier but apparently that was of no merit to the docs( arrrg!) finally her pulmonologist decided to do a scan...On June 2nd my best friend was diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer that has spread to her adrenal glands, her liver, her bones and her lymph nodes....she was struggling to breathe the last time we talked by phone..I was in shock! I couldn't even cry it was like the world stopped spinning...and I just sat there...in silence...in denial..she opted for no chemo and her journey ended July 29th, 2017...I miss her more than words can express...I cry now...I dont't have a best friend anymore...I don't a friend to call up and say hey guess what....I don't have a friend to share those funny little memes with I find on facebook...I don't have friend to confide all my secrets in anymore, all my fears, ask all my questions to...share my journey of life with...I miss her...part of me died with her..Life will never be the same...I wonder if I will ever find another friend that just accepts me for me...my weirdness and all?...A friend that calls and we talk forever and work on solving all the worlds problems and a friend that can accept I am a deep thinker and I'm not much on small talk...Theresa, my friend used to tell me that she told her husband I was such an intellectual...LOL...I laughed...still do...but she valued my opinion, the way I saw the world, she valued and understood i'm not a people person and love being home and that I love silence...she didn't fault me for loving critters more than people...LOL...we didn't see everything the same...but we accepted and loved each other for who we were....she was the wife of a Baptist preacher...I at one time was the member of a very legalistic type church/cult...I then began the study of buddhism and she just accepted I had been very very hurt and she just loved me through it she didnt tell me I was sinner destined to hell, she ask me what value I found in my studies...I LOVED that!...She was a republican, I was/am and independant...We somehow found common ground and could discuss such things and still be besties...God knows how much I miss her...she's gone now, but she will never be forgotten....

Lessons I have learned:

  • Be quick to listen and slow to speak and you might learn something new...
  • Don't hold so tight to your beliefs that you fail to see the value in others beliefs...
  • Don't hold so tight to what you've been taught that you are unable to learn something new...
  • Just because someone doesn't believe like you doesn't mean their belief doesn't hold value...
  • Just because someone else's life journey is different than yours doesn't mean their journey is wrong...
  • Accept yourself for who you are, don't change to fit in...You are fine the way you are...
  • Tell those in your life you love them....you might not have tomorrow...
  • If someone in your life brings in drama, conflict and negativity....let them go, don't let them bring you down!
  • If someone can't accept you and wants to change you...they have a problem not you! You are created the way you are and its ok!
  • Spend less time judging others, hating others, and being mean to others and more time loving, learning and working on yourself!
  • It's a well known fact what you hate in others is usually a reflection of things you hate in you...Mediate or pray spend time alone and ask yourself the hard question as to why you hate a person or group of people...Be willing to look at yourself and realize you are the problem not the other people...if you can handle those people move on, but don't belittle, hate and abuse them...You will be happier and so will they!
My 2018 goals:
  • Blog more
  • Love more
  • Be kinder
  • Meditate/pray more
  • Feel more confident in who I am and what I believe in
  • Do a bit of traveling even if its just day trips
  • Realize my power comes from within not from outside sources. IE: family, friends, government etc...
I am truly looking forward to the new year, new beginnings and being the best me I can be...I am so ready to let go of the baggage and just embrace all of life and find the good more often than the bad...in those things and people that I truly struggle to see the good in I vow to let them go....I can't change others I can only change myself and I'm working hard at being real and true to who I am...I vow to no longer waste time on things and people that can't accept me for me and I vow to be the best version of me possible! Life is short, I'm getting old and we can't turn back time...

I leave you all with this quote:

"Around us, life burst forth with miracles - a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, raindrops. If you live in awareness it is easy to see miracles everywhere.--Thich Nhat Hanh

 Look for the good and the miracles in 2018!  It will change you!

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Monday, December 4, 2017

Got my "homestead groove" on again!

So, life has again changed here at Rocky Oak as does it for everyone out there from time to time. Dreams change, goals change and with that life changes...Even back to the name Rocky Oak Homestead here on my blog!

I have posted about my last daughter leaving the nest and starting  her own life, she is enjoying her newly found freedom and Farm man and  I are expecting our 4th grandchild in April. I love my empty nest and I'm not suffering any "syndrome" from my children moving out...LOL.... but I do find I get bored. I don't drive much due to the neuromuscular things I have going on so I am home most days. While that's fine because I am such an introvert and require lots of alone time to recharge and just be I do find myself needing something to do.. Since 2000 farm man and I have "homesteaded" we have consistantly had critters to look after...as you all know that changed a couple of years ago with my illness taking a turn for worst and my dad passing away...then losing my best friend of 21 years to cancer...been a rough road to say the least!

My days are very uneventful and while I like that because I am not a 'drama' kinda gal I missed having something to occupy my time....so...over the weekend we purchased 3 goats!  A doe and her 2 doelings....

I am not sure of breed, and it doesn't matter to me, I am not able to milk any more nor do I have the desire to,..I just needed something to do...I have enjoyed just spending time out petting them and it gives me a sense of joy knowing they are out there...They are still warming up to me...I find they like me much more if I take them a treat of carrots or raisins *Smile*...

I am going to begin making soap again and finding my groove...Life has been really tough the past couple of years and I have fallen victim to depression I think...I feel it lifting and its time to find my new normal.

Homesteading is just part of who we are, we won't ever be as big as we once were as we both are not in the health to handle that much again...I think goats are good...I still have my Cavalier King Charles Spaniels as well and they bring me much joy....We will still garden and enjoy life at a slower pace...I am learning the art of mindfulness and it is awesome!

I am looking forward to once again blogging about "homesteading" albeit smaller than before...stay turned as I get my "homestead groove on again" 😀

If anyone has any ideas of what breed these may be, please share! Meet Fayth(doe) Hope(little one that looks most like mom) and Charitee(Little brown one)...I'm thinking nubian/something(s)?

Be Mindful~ Kris aka "The homestead Lady"

Thursday, October 19, 2017

The changing of life

Hello all! 

I know I keep saying I will begin blogging here again and I am hopeful to get back at it. In the meantime here's our happenings...

We have sold all the pigs at this point...all we have left is the dogs which we will keep....no chance they will leave...Life is different for sure...I spend my days quietly here at home keeping the house and figuring out my new normal...its not been easy...17 years of homesteading was a long time and we had an established routine and now....well, it's all gone...I'm not sad at all.... it's nice...we were tired...the peace here is amazing...Farm girl has moved on to begin her life a couple towns away and is happy...My home is quiet and peaceful...I love it!

As I look around the world and see the chaos and hear the things we hear through various sources things are certainly disheartening...sometimes downright scary...it's funny though...here, at Rocky Oak its like a whole 'nuther world...the peace...safety...and security I feel here....Don't get me wrong, I know things can change in an instant but right now this place is my refuge..so much has changed over the years, but one thing hasn't changed and that is that we are still very much prepper's...I guess we feel its just in our blood to be prepared...The more that happens in our country the more concerned and motivated we become...I feel for those that just haven't or can't seem to get the prepper mindset...Yes, we understand things happen and preps can be wiped out in an instant...nothing in our world is certain...things happen...but everyone can do something to prepare for natural or other induced disaster. Hubby and I have been through many hard times in our 27 years of marriage, so we understand the need to have a little extra on hand...It's just who we are as people.

For many years we used homesteading as a way of preparedness...we raised our own meat, milk, and vegetables...but it became all to apparent to us that the money we were spending on the critters was really not cost effective...and not just that....the sheer volume of time spent was overwhelming...there is certainly something to be said for the old ways...no doubt...but for us, it became to much...we were spending way more money, time and energy trying to create a way of life that was long gone...oh! don't get me wrong, we loved it and we learned so much, but at the end of day it just wasn't meant to be..There are so many ways to "prep"....and for use we choose to simply use store bought foods...we can buy bulk meats and dehydrate them for longer shelf life..same with fruits and veggies...we will still garden in a more manageable way that works for us..We all have to do what works for us!

I thought when we decided to sell out and live differently it would be so hard....but it wasn't...it was freeing...When my dad passed last year it changed me and I realized I didn't want to be tied down with all the ideals and notions we had...we spent all our time working and it just came to a point we ask if that's all life was....work...we concluded life was meant to be enjoyed as we only get a little while here on earth to make it count....

I want to make what time I have count...I want it to count not only for me and hubby but we want to make a difference in the lives of those we meet...We want to bring a sense of joy, peace and contentment to the world...we spent so many years in a church that taught division, hate and non-acceptance that we wasted so much energy and life...we hurt people not on purpose but we believed what we were taught...its all so sad to us now...I spend my mornings in quiet meditation, reflecting and letting go of so much baggage I carried for so many years...I am learning to find peace with me and with others...Seems I look at life so different than I did a few years ago or even just a year ago...I take the time to literally stop and smell the flowers around me....I take time to notice the breeze...I look up to the clouds and smile as I see them floating lazily across the blue sky...I take notice of the birds and how they are content just sitting on a branch filling the air with sweet sounds as they tweet...I notice the spiders creating their web homes and doing so with such elegance and perfection taking pride in each strand of web they spin...they make it count...I sit and rest my feet on the grass and close my eyes and truly feel the coolness and I am thankful for the moment...Mindfulness is my new norm...so much in our lives are lost to the hectic days and lives we lead...rushing here and there...worrying about this and that...we are so busy that days pass and turn into weeks and then into month and years...one day we wake up and realize we have more life behind us than we have before us and we begin to take a hard and honest look at what we have done...many of us realize we have worked it away, worried it away or simply just spent so much time trying to find who we are or being what others think we should be we just wasted the time way.

I have realized over time...peace and happiness only comes from within...we don't find happiness in a lifestyle, a church, a job, other people....we might find pleasure in those things..pleasure is momentary...happiness is longstanding...peace is found no matter what the circumstance if we are happy within ourselves...When we involve ourselves in all the negativity the world throws at us we tend to look for pleasure to ease the pain we feel...when we have real peace and happiness in the very core of our being, those things will not shake us...we can simply take a moment, breathe and be grateful for what we have discovered within...Each day I wake up grateful for another day to make a difference, somehow...even if that difference is in the life of a simple bird that has found food that I have put out in a feeder...it truly is the simple things that can have the greatest impact in our world...so as we move forward here at Rocky Oak Haven we are learning to be mindful and find the peace in the changing of life...

Until Next Time...

Friday, August 18, 2017

Where to begin....?

I really don't even know where to begin with all that has happened in the last month...the last year really I suppose...

As we all know if we lived any time at all on earth is that things change and thats just how it is...even if we resist, the change happens...for people like me it is not without a great fight that we accept the change...A lot has changed in my life the past 3 months...

 I mentioned that my best of friend of 20+ years was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and she opted for no treatment....she received her diagnosis June 2nd and her journey here on earth ended July 28th, 2017...she was 56 years old...My life will never be the same, but must say I am better for knowing her and I will be forever grateful for the friendship we shared.

Just days before my friend passed away my husbands uncle passed away and then a week later a very close family member on my side of family passed away suddenly....it's been really hard...I have come to understand that as we age, the people we all grew up with age as well and so as the cycle of life goes we begin see much more death...it's hard...but all part of living....none of us will get of out of thing called life alive...make the most of everyday.

We became official empy nesters August 1st. It has been nice actually. Our youngest dd, farm girl moved out and in with her male friend. They have known each other 7 years and dated 3. She turned 21 August 1st as did he(he is 3 hours older than her) and on that very day they found out they were approved for an appartment in a couple towns over. They loved their birthday present!! *grin* I am happy for them to begin their life. They are both great kids and we all wish them the best!

Before all of the changes above took place much had already begin to change here at Rocky oak....We had sold off the chickens, turkeys,the incubator etc....We have kept the pigs...until now...we are now selling them...We will keep the bees as they are easy and farm man really enjoys them and they are simple really. Some may be asking why so I'll do my best to explain!

Farm man and I are 50(not old but certainly not young pups) we began our homestead journey some 17 years ago. In that time we have been through alot. The past 9 years have been spent building Rocky Oak to what it is now. It has been challenging but worth it. Saddly though, as we age many of develop health problems or limitations and sometimes we are just ready for a new direction in life. I think farm man and I fall into both camps. We both have some health issues and we are simply ready to explore life without kids and critters! 😀 Don't get me wrong we love our children and grand-children more than words can describe, but lets face it and be real, our goal as parents is to raise the best kids we can and help them to become independant, functioning citizens and to have a mind of their own and think on their own...farm man and I have accomplished that...Do we agree with every decision they make? Of course not, but we allow them the room and freedom to do life as they sit fit just as farm man and I have done. We are here for them if they need us but we don't run their lives or tell them how to live it! If our advice is wanted we give it.

We loved our critters as well, but anyone that has critters can appreciate how they tie you down, the expense involved for food, vet care etc. the sheer amount of time invested in critters can be astronomical...After my dad died last September so much in our lives, in our way of thinking, our goals...so much changed...it is then we began the dismanteling of Rocky Oak...

Some would find this a sad time, but for us it is a good season in life...We are finding what we like to do, we are finding who we are again as a married couple, we are finding our way in our spiritual lives since leaving church...for us all these changes are positive...

For many, many years our identity has been wrapped up in homesteading, children, church, teaching in church etc...we loved it...for awhile...when we left our church several years ago it was life changing as far as wondering what we even believed anymore...it has been a long and meandering journey, but we are finally settling in to what we believe(albeit it different from before), when my dad died there was more changes.... personal changes for me...I learned what it really meant to forgive, what it really meant to love unconditionally, I learned so much about myself...it was the hardest thing I had even been through, but I am still here, and have learned so much...Now I have lost my best friend and once again I am learning from the experience...Life is full of learning experiences if we allow them...don't fight them, embrace them...While I don't understand why my friend only had 56 years on this earth, or why she opted for no chemo treatment, or why she had to leave behind a husband, a church, her children and grandchildren, what I do know is that we will all have our turn...Make positive impacts on those around you daily, you might not have tomorrow....Live life fully every. single .day.

So many of us live to work and work to live...We live in the past and in the future....we forget about now!.... We work to pay the bills that we made yesterday(past) and keep working looking forward to when they are paid off(future)....we miss the today because were working!! I get that we all must work, we have to have money, we will always have bills to pay....part of living in this world....but when it becomes our sole existence something is off kilter! We all need to slow down and embrace the moment we are in...take a deep breath and feel it! Smell the fragrance around you, feel the air on your skin, feel the grass beneath your feet....take it all in....Be in that moment and be grateful for being alive! Thank God for allowing you to even have that breath!

All my life I guess I was taught in one way or another to live in the future...In church we were taught our goal was to make heaven our home when we died, so we spend our lives talking about it, dreaming about it, preaching about it, teaching about it,reading about it...it is what we should look "forward" to...making heaven in the "future" is the goal.

We grow up being told we need to have a job so that when we get married, have children etc...we can afford that new car, home, and all the other luxuries of life...so we work hard to have good grades so we can get a good job after highschool/college so we can pay for all these "future" things...

Medicine teaches us preventative measures for our health...we need to keep an eye on our cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressue, we need to exercise, and eat well so in the "future" we don't encounter problems. Truthfully, if we eat right, excercise, meditate daily, and just chill we can control just about all of these thing NOW! There will be no future issues to even worry about...focus on doing these today so that you are healthy today!

Don't get me wrong we should all have goals for life...but we need to make sure we are not just working for goals, but that we are taking the time to enjoy today...

We also live in the past. We hear about how bad childhoods make for bad adults and these said adults are 40 years old still boo hooing about a spanking they got when they were 5! It is crazy...Memories from the past are good, if we keep them as that...memories...we can't live back there....they can teach us and help us learn....the past certainly does mold us, but it's up to us to move on to more postive things if we had negative experiences in the past....Taking time to live in the moment and realize that right now you can have have peace and joy. Right now you can change your own destiny...you can become a better person, wife, husband, mother, co-worker, christian, buddhist, blogger...whatever....right now is all we all we have....we might not be here in 5 minutes...be mindful! Embrace the moment!

Rocky Oak has had it day...we enjoyed our homesteading experience...but its time to move from it...and make a life that we love equally...Farm Man still goes to work daily, I am happy being at home doing home stuff.....But we have both realized we need to slow down and enjoy life more fully...its ok to sleep 5 minutes past 6:00 a.m., it's ok to not get all those things on the list done today! It is ok to stop, sit down, enjoy a glass of sweet iced tea and watch the birds....It's ok to not be ok all the time...It's ok to let go of one belief and embrace another...we have a path to journey on...mines not yours and yours is not mine...we are neither one right or wrong...we are just living our life the way we see fit...If we are minding our own business, not infringing one someones elses rights, obeying the law and being kind...we are ok...None of us have it all right....what we all have is an opinion...and thats ok as long as we all realize it just an opinion and it doesn't make it the gospel truth!....Have your opinion, but equally respect others..

We will keep prepping here at Rocky Oak just because its good household managment, while this is looking to the future it does not control our lives nor do we think about daily...We live for today and don't worry about tomorrow like we once did....we can clearly see the writing on the wall...our country is in deep trouble...I will not share my opinion here as it really doesn't matter much...But what I will say is this...Until each of us have peace within ourself ....our country, our world will never have peace...We work daily to have peace in our heart and mind no matter what comes our way. I meditate 1 hour daily to keep myself centered and blanced.

I will still blog here, but the name will change, to what I haven't decided....My content will be different...some of you may enjoy it, some may not...either way I am fine....I don't blog for an audience....I blog to get out what I am feeling and thinking...I hope some of you continue to follow our lives and I hope to share our lives in a real, but peaceful and positive way...We are seeking to find solace in a world full of turmoil. My hope is to share how to find peace and solace in a world that somedays feels like it has gone crazy....I am hoping to share bits of wisdom I have learned the past years and hopefully some of you can glean from our experiences.

I will leave you with this food for thought...this is a quote from one of favorite authors...

"We often think of peace as the absence of war; that if the powerful countries would reduce their arsenals, we could have peace. But if we look deeply into the weapons, we see our own minds-our prejudices, fears, and ignorance. Even if we transported all the bombs to the moon, the roots of war and the reasons for bombs would still be here, in our hearts and minds, and sooner or later we would make new bombs. Seek to become more aware of what causes anger and separation, and what overcomes them. Root out the violence in your life, and learn to live compassionalty and mindfully"--Thich Nhat Hanh

Until Next Time--Stay Peaceful,
The Homestead Lady

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Yes! I'm alive

I said I was going to begin blogging here again and I am...life has taken another unexpected turn....My stepdad was diagnosed with dementia and my best friend of 20 years has lung cancer that has metatsized and she has refused chemo...she has less than 6 months left of her journey here on earth...I've really been struggling lately with so much loss in recent months...I am hopeful that within the week I will be able to sit and write about all he have going on around here...Bear with me as I get my "groove" back!

The Homestead Lady

Monday, May 8, 2017

Rocky Oak Built Us!

So we survived the torential rain fall here at Rocky Oak, but others nearby were not so lucky...I feel for them many lost everything...Keep them in your thoughts.

Our garden did take a hit from all the water, but we are hopeful it bounces back and makes it...if not looks like a replant in the next few days. I am grateful that we survived and have the ability to replant if necessary...

We had decided to go a bit smaller this year with our gardening endeavors, but of course we changed our minds...LOL...We added another smaller garden for green beans and Roma tomatoes...We also added 5 more blueberry bushes. In all reality we are still smaller than normal in the gardening dept so we're still good!

Life here is still at a slower pace than it used to be...We are working on a few smallish projects...things like adding bird feeders, bird houses... some flower beds and shrubry...simple things....however simple things can add a touch of beauty to any homestead...

My mornings are my favorite times...I get up, let the dogs out...make my coffee...when my coffee is done, I pour my yeti mug and make my way outside to my meditation garden...I sit for a few and breathe, watch the various sundry of wild birds make their way to the feeders...I am grateful for it all...After a few minutes I find one of my guided meditations and just close my eyes and relax...letting go of all that burdens me and steals my peace... 

I spend my days keeping things done in the house, walking outside enjoying all of nature...I think and reflect on life...people...nature...where I've been and where I wanna go...So many life changing experiences in past years...that old saying that life can make you  bitter or make you better is true...I was headed on a path of bitterness...but realized it served no good purpose to hate, be angry or look backwards...life is short...

I often wonder had we been any where but here on the homestead if I would have been able to find myself...the solitude here is amazing...it affords me the privacy and quietness that I need to reflect, be still, and slow down...I've heard it said nature is the greatest physician and I have to agree...nature is healing...simply walking with purpose and mindfulness is amazing...watching the birds...smelling the air....feeling the breeze on your skin...healing...

I work in my garden with a renewed passion...no longer is it a way of just eating...it is a way to connect with nature...I have learned a deeper appreciation for all life, including plants and amazing process that takes place...I am much more  mindful of everything...Life is an amazing gift that many of us take for granted...I spent so many years trying to fit into the box others told me I should that I lost myself...it was only through the trials, hurts and battles that I have been able to find me and appreciate who I really am....freeing!

Our society has taught us we live to work, get ahead, have stuff...but in my dads dying I saw him work to live...make it that day...have breath...it changed me...there are times I still get caught up in the grind of day to day living...but when I find that happening I pause...I take a deep breath, look around the homestead and practice gratitude...I begin listing in my mind all the things here I am grateful for...the trees, the grass, the pigs, our bees, our home, our garden...our health...I no longer rise each day with a list of "to do's"....I rise with "thank yous" ....I try not to sweat the small stuff...All in life is temporary...trials, struggles, possessions, suffering... even life....all temporary...When we can truly grasp that we can begin to live with a deeper appreciation of so much more...We can begin to use our trials, suffering and struggles to grow ourselves and find the deeper meaning of life...

Life on the homestead is amazing...its purpose has changed...it no longer is a way to survive some catastrophy....or long term issue....Rocky Oak has served to help me find me...We set out to build Rocky Oak...but Rocky Oak built us!

The Homestead Lady

Friday, April 28, 2017

I'm baaaaack!

Whew! Much has changed since I blogged here last. I have really missed this place...it was like a home to me...I moved my blog for awhile and blogged about my journey with my dads death, and it really was therapuetic for me, but my home is here...at Rocky Oak...

Where to begin...I guess I'll start by saying we sold all the chickens, turkeys and the incubator...why? well last September right after my dad passed I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus and was told I could no longer be in the sun for long periods, that and I was just plain tired from the previous 9 months of my dads illness and death...Do I miss them?...honestly, no, I don't...We only have pigs and bees right now...we have 3 sows, 1 boar and 23 piglets...at this point in our lives...We are focusing on food production only on a different scale...we are focusing on fruits and veggies...I live in an area where I can buy farm fresh eggs whenever I need or want them for cheap, so I am enjoying less expense in feed and also the fact I no longer stay frustrated at escaped hens that would dig up my flowers or freshly planted herbs...it's wonderful to have a nice "clean yard"...(Update on my health soon)

Our electric company sprayed our ditch last summer and killed our bees....We were supposed to have been on a no spray list, however someone overlooked that and sprayed...it is now taken care of and we have purchased another nuc...it is going strong and we are pleased.

This year I was finally able to put in a good sized herb bed and have it all decorated to suit my taste.... its been nice...We have most of the veggie garden in and went somewhat smaller than previous years...partly due to age and partly do to the fact we had a hard time keeping up with the bigger garden....We like time to just sit and watch the birds and other wild life that call Rocky Oak their home. :)

Farm man and I are in a place in life that we want to enjoy our "homestead" and all the work we have put in here the past 9 years...We want a sanctuary, a place that affords us somewhere to relax, feel safe and enjoy...not a place that feels like a work prison and no time to relax and spending so much time worried about the economy collapsing that we are stressed out all the time and do not feel safe and like we haven't done enough...Life is short, someday I don't wanna wake up and realize all the time I wasted working towards something that might never happen...We are enjoying our newly found freedom from all that!

Before I quit blogging here I had mentioned Farm man and I were dieting...I am proud to say I have maintained my weight loss doing low carb and so has Farm man...we both would still like to lose a bit...me, I would like to lose 10 more lbs, Farm man has a bit more than that to go, but he is much more healthy and his doctors are supporting the Low carb more natural diet we have chosen.

I have also being doing a bit of yoga and have taken up meditation...I have found it greatly reduces my stress level and has helped me tremendously to deal with my frustration and anger over many things in my life including our church experience several years ago...at this point Farm man and I have chosen to not persue 'church' and have instead decided to do a study of different religions and seek to find our own truth and not the truth we have been fed by others...I am sure some of you will find that offensive and I certainly mean no offence...we are all free to believe what we wish and have it respected...we all must find out own way and we are finding that we enjoy the study of buddhism( no we havent "converted" just studying) and various other ways so believing.

Rocky Oak has evolved a great deal in the past year....we still enjoy "farming" only on a smaller scale...pigs and bees work for us right now...I am now free to spend my days gardening and relaxing working on getting my health back in order...When my dad passed it was the catalyst to my new way of life...I looked at him just days before he past and ask myself, what was his life all about....he and I were not close, he was a very abusive man....but I learned forgiveness in those last months...it freed me from much anger...I looked at his life and saw the years and years of regret that he couldn't fix...he tried...and I feel he made his peace with me, my mom(divorced for 33 years) and my siblings...but I looked at all the years wasted...wasted in anger and proving he was right...all the years missing life trying to prove things that were meaningless...I vowed to enjoy my life and be happy...I want peace and joy in my life....not chaos and someone else telling me they are right and I am wrong...equally I don't wanna be that person...I don't wanna spend years working so much for what I want that I miss the opprotunity to enjoy what I have...Life is much slower paced here and I am happy...I am more peaceful in my soul than I have ever been...I look foward to sharing our life with you...Our pigs, our garden, our way of life and certainly our journey to finding peace in such a chaotic world!

My side links will be changing soon as well...My blogging here will be at my pace...I am putting no pressure on myself..blogging should be fun, not a chore or a job! 

Until Next Time...
The Homestead Lady

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I am going to begin blogging here again....much has changed...but I have missed this place...I am hopeful for an end of week posting and update on all the changes here!

The Homestead Lady

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Let gardening 2017 commence!

I have picked up my onion sets, beet seeds, iceberg lettuce seeds, cabbage seeds and garlic from a local farm store...Today I placed my order for following seeds
  • Lemon bee balm
  • Dill(bouquet)
  • Rocky Top lettuce mix
  • Fordhook Swiss chard
  • Bloomsdale Spinach
  • Banana pepper
  • Parisienne Carrots
I order from Baker Creek Heirloom seeds, have used them for many years and love them. I highly recommend them to anyone looking for heirloom/open pollinated seeds. You can find them HERE <click

Hopefully my seeds are in next week and I can begin putting them in the garden soon...This weekend we will plant the onions, beets, and garlic... 

In addition to the above plants/seeds we will also be planting tomatoes of various kinds, zucchini, yellow squash, okra, bell peppers, jalepenos, green beans, blackeyed peas, melons(various), cucumbers, possibly potatoes and whatever else we can find room for! LOL...we love our garden fresh veggies and herbs!

We also are hoping this year to add several more fruit trees to what we already have. Time will tell. Not having farm animals this year has freed up the funds to put back into our land and focus on food production. 

My herb bed will also expand ALOT this year...here is a sampling of what I have already planted or hope to plant
  • Rosemary
  • Thyme
  • Basil
  • Sage
  • Lemon bee balm
  • Lemon grass
  • Chives
  • Dill
  • Mint
  • Lavendar
  • Cilantro
  • Parsley
  • Oregano
  • Garlic
Last year my area was way to small and while things did ok they did not do as well as they could have. So this year its back to the drawing board....I have already began the mental planning of my new and much larger herb bed! 

Gardenng for me will be different this year due to my diagnosis, but I am determined to make it work! 

We will also be adding flowers and various other landscaping as money and time allows. This is my favorite time of year and I can already feel the 'winter blues' lifting...Come on springtime!

Until next time...Much love and light

Monday, February 13, 2017

Good Christian vs. Bad Christian

Before you begin reading please note I no longer in anyway subscribe to the way of thinking outlined here. I do not believe in good or bad christians. Ibelieve in mature and immature christians and that is the duty of mature christians to help those weaker(immature) in a loving, kind, non-judgemental way.

So, when I woke this morning this was on my mind. I have come to realize that even though I have come a very longs ways in healing from the last church ordeal, I have a long ways to go and I think quite possibly I will carry some of this stuff with me for the rest of my life. All I can do is continue to get this stuff out, deal with it the best I can and move beyond it.

In our last church there was a subtle yet pronounced good vs bad mentality. Not just about "good and evil" but a good christian vs. a bad christian. We heard sermons about this often. I would like to outline the thinking that comes with this because I see it often all across the board in all denominations, not just the one I was in. These are in no special order or ranking

  • A good christian doesn't ask hard questions and a bad christian is full of questions.
  • A good christian will have a bible verse or even several verses to quote you no matter the issue you have. A bad christian will offer advice outside the bible.
  • A good christian will shout the house down with Amens, Hallelujahs, Glory to God's, and "preach it brothers". A bad christian will sit in silence and contemplate what is being said.
  • A good christian will be at church anytime the doors are open even if have you a contagious illness like the flu because after all thats just satans way of keeping you from God....A bad christian has the common sense to stay home and NOT spread the flu!
  • A good christian doesn't read anything outside of his/her own denomination or even about other religions because your mind could be corrupted and you would be led astray. A bad christian enjoys learning about other denominations and religions and at times can help his faith grow.
  • A good christian has faith to move a mountain, heal what ails them and others,and faith to know they are the only one right. A bad christian can and often does struggle with faith.
  • A good christian has discernement enough to see everyone elses flaws and to be able to tell if they are under demonic influence. They also have the right to tell you that they have that discerment and to point out all you 'flaws' and if your a good christian you thank the said "pointer outer" for explaining how worthless you are. A bad christian would probably tell the good christian to kiss their backside!
  • A good christian does not take pharmaceutical drugs/pills because all he needs is the "Gos-Pill"(yes this was really said to us) a Bad christian likes a good dose of advil for pain once in awhile! Oh! the shame!
  • If we are good chrstians we can all be little Jesus'(yes we heard this) and a bad christian, well I suppose we are little satans?!?!?!? LOL
  • A good christian understands all other denominations except theirs is bad and wrong. A bad christian respects all denominations and people.
  • A good christian understands that to be a good christian you have to be a conservative republican and vote as such. A bad chrisitian will vote however the Lord leads and respect others political views. And maybe a bad christian will not vote at all!
  • A good christian will be sure to let you know that the "liberals and/or democrats" postion on issues are lies and they are just full of themselves. A bad christian will look at both sides of an issue and make an informed decision.
  • A good christian understands science is all a bunch of hooey in spite of the fact science has cured diseases and continues to make strides in many areas. A bad christian will be intrigued by science and all the facts even facts concerning the bible that science has found to be true!
  • A good christian will explain that when they judge someone it is "righteous" judgement and that its ok to judge in a "righteous" manner. A bad christian will understand judge not lest ye be judged.
So there ya have it! A very small list of my good vs. bad. I think I wanna be a bad christian!! It is meant as tounge in cheek so please take as such... Many are meant as funny, but all are things I have encountered in my life. I fall into the bad christian camp....LOL..Sad to say that but it was how I was viewed by my church and even some of my christian friends...I no longer allow the opinions of those "perfect, conservative, discerning,righteous judging" christians to rattle me much. I am finding peace with who I am. If anyone reads this and you have encountered this kind of mentality...I'm sorry! Don't let ya get to ya...you are ok being who you are..Embrace you and be the best you, you can be! Your great the way you are!

Keep Mindful of your speech and actions~

Friday, February 10, 2017

Let it be, let it go & move on!

Hello there friends! Its been longer than I had intended it to be since I last blogged....I've taken some time to just focus on life and be still...Our weather has been very nice so I have been enjoying spending time outdoors, enjoying mother nature and doing some purging of things in the house...

During this time of quiet and reflection I have been able to really let go of some things...I came to the realization that pain can be like a child...Let me explain...

Pain comes from being hurt either intentionally or unintentionally...it can be caused from words or actions...it can even be caused from lack of words or action....however it comes into your life, when it does this is the beginning....the birth of your pain...sometimes we are able to let it go and move on realizing its not our pain to carry.... and other times the pain is so intense and so deep we simply hold on...when we hold on we begin to nurture it, nurse it, love it, raise it.... we almost gloat in it....it becomes our child...it becomes part of us...the longer we care for it and nurture it the bigger it grows...the bigger it grows the more attention it requires...we come to a point in our life that the pain is all there is...we cannot seem to get away from it....like a demanding 2 year old it requires a great deal of our attention and emotion...in turn this makes us angry, bitter and almost paralyzed and unable to even function...the pain now becomes who we are...we have allowed it to take over every aspect of our life....I was to this point...The pain of the things of the past had all but taken my life...I was holding onto to pain from childhood and a devastating pain from 35 years ago...I had been rejected and hurt...it festered in my mind and heart for all these years...instead of letting it go and moving on and realizing it was over and it was the past and living for today and the looking forward to the future, I kept it alive in my mind and my heart...it was destroying me...every little hurt I endured from that point on built on top of all the past hurts...I think I was to a point I was so full of hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness there was absolutely no room for love, compassion, kindness and most of all peace...

Something happened a couple weeks ago with a dear friend...there was a misunderstanding...not serious really, but things had come to a head that had festered for awhile...it was time...it was in that moment that I was able to clearly see some things...I realized so much of what I had thought mattered....really didn't...I realized that for years I have been living my life around what others thought I should be doing, saying, believing etc....In that moment I let go....I understood that I had been living for others hoping to get rid of the pain...See, I guess I thought if I was just did what everyone else was doing my pain would somehow go away...if I just believed enough, had more faith, prayed more, got into the word more...whatever it was they said I needed to do to be happier I was doing....or at least trying to do...but what I realized is that pain doesn't go away by doing things to cover it up....it doesn't go away by pretending its not there...it goes away by
facing it head on.....it goes away by being real with you and who you are....when you do those 2 things you can begin to chip away at the pain that has encapsulated you...I have spent much time in quietness, meditation and self reflection the past couple of weeks....I am finding I am ok without the pain....little by little I am letting it go...placing it back on the ones that hurt me...I no longer wish to carry their words, action, behaviors and unhappiness...When I was carrying all of the baggage they had placed on me, and I willingly carried, I had no room for anything good...I was so full of bitterness, anger, hate that any good that there was, was being smothered under the load...This child of pain had grown to the point I could no longer carry it...it was time to release it and let it go....let it go its own way...give it back to the rightful owners.

I refuse to allow myself to be held captive by someone else's words action or behavior ever again...Life is short....I have more life behind me than before me at this point...I do not have time to waste in being weighed down by hurt...I know hurt will come again, its part of being a human being...but I also understand the vitalness of letting it go and not raising it....not hanging on to it....I no longer want to be in victim mode...I am a survivor!

I will no longer allow others to dictate what I should or should not believe
I will no longer allow others to treat me as if I am less than
I will no longer allow the behavior or others to tell me how I should act

My journey is not your journey and vice versa....We should never try and get someone to conform to what our ideas are...We are all unique individuals...we have unique feelings, thoughts, ideas and mannerisms...our differences should be embraced, not stifled....Be who you are and love yourself...I am finding the me that I so long ago left to be what others thought I should be...Sadly, that is time I cannot get back...but I can certainly make the most of what time I have left...and I intend to do just that!

It is my sincere hope each that read this, take inventory of your life and let go of anything you need to let go of....be who you are in-spite of what others think...embrace you...the real you...if you have pain...drop it right where you are...walk off and refuse to pick it back up...when others bring it up and try to get you to carry it just a little further...smile, and quietly walk away...let it be....let it go....move on!

Keep Mindful~

NOTE-If you have trouble reading the graphics clicking on them should make them larger.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

It's a beautiful thing!

It's a been a nice few days...I have moved beyond my last post and I am feeling much better...Thanks for allowing me the space to vent...I have found losing friendships hard but losing a long term friendship much, much harder...however I also know it is at times necessary in order for us to become all we are meant to be....

I have learned that when someone can't accept you for you, or you can't accept them for them...it's time to move on...When you feel the need to explain yourself all the time and you feel invalidated in your feelings even if they are valid...it's time to move on...

Church abuse is poorly understood even by those who experience it...it is often so subtle that even the abused can't quite figure it out....they may struggle to put into words what they experienced which has been the case with my husband and I...so 'friends' sometimes just can't quite grasp what your going through because you can't concretely explain it...but this does not make your pain less real...If you have not been in an abusive/authoratarian church you cannot possible begin to understand...and that's ok....I'm tired of trying to explain myself to those that don't really try to understand or don't really care....So, in this case moving on was all that was left....I spent many months trying to explain and it was all in vain...letting go of this friendship was hard but also very relieving and i'm sure she would tell you the same thing...so forward we both move...

This last week has given me a sense of renewed hope of finding myself again...finding the people and things I love in life...I had a wonderful converstation with a 'phone friend' yesterday...you know who you are 😊 and it was nice....we discussed the journey I am on and she listened with no judgement in her voice...I so appreciated that...she didn't quote scripture or tell me to the read the bible...she just listened...I felt good when I got off the phone with her...Love you Des! That's the kind of friend we all need...those who can listen to us and even though they may not agree with us or we may not agree with their stance on an issue we respect each other enough to give them space to believe...I love that! We are not anyone's judge...period!

One of the things in life I love is gardening both flower and veggie...my husband and I have gardened for our entire marriage from small to large...we love it....while it is hard work it is worth it...This year, as I have mentioned will be a bit different due to my not being able to be in the sun but I will still manage to garden...I am making a list(seeds) and checking it twice...I am ordering heirloom flower seeds and veggie seeds...I am excited for spring to arrive so I can get outside even in the shade and enjoy nature once again...

Nature has so much to teach us...have you ever stopped to notice how when man destroys a plot of earth it will automatically begin to heal itself? Grass will begin to grow again in the barren-ness...saplings will seemingly sprout from out of nowhere...wildlife will in some form begin to inhabit that place....it's amazing to me...I love the lesson in that for humans...No matter how 'barren' we become spiritually we are able to heal and move on...we will be replenished with good friends and a sense of well being when we just allow the process of healing to take place...it will take time, sometimes a long time... but it will happen if we keep at it...This is how God created us and the earth...there is for me a deep sense of interconnectedness...I love that I can learn from all of nature...I just have to be open to the lessons...I think this why spring is my all time favorite season...so much renewal and newness...a new beginning for all things and beings...

Trees are a particular fascination for me...they can live through rain, sleet, snow or shine and still flourish...they can withstand a drought and still keep the life in their leaves...A tree begins from a seed...the seed does not become a tree overnight...it takes many years...the seed is patient in becoming all it was meant to be...it slowly, but patiently allows the process to happen naturally....it does not rush...once the seed breaks through the soil it has left its past behind...and moves on to new things...it has left behind all it has known thus far.....but as it breaks forth from the soil it looks upward and finds the light...it grows toward the light...ever reaching, day after day reaching for the light...after years of growing and enduring sometimes horrendous conditions...rain, snow, sleet, hail, drought, famine, tornados, hurricanes etc...it matures...it still stands in spite of it all...it may be bent, and some branches missing...but its alive...its roots are stong and deep...it survives...and it still offers shelter to those seeking....

We should all be like this tree...make sure our roots are deep in our belief system...know what we believe and why so we have a purpose to keep growing...always reach for the light even in the darkness....when the winds and drought and all other manner of destruction come our way, we can stand...we can weather the storm battered but still standing...standing in what we believe and what gives us our strength in time of great distress...be ready to provide shelter for those in the storm and do so without judgement and condemnation...stretch out those strong branches and offer support...when the calm comes offer a place of rest...like the birds just simply looking for a place to rest and collect themselves before moving on...the tree doesn't ask alot of questions or allow a branch to fall when a bird looks for a place to sit...it makes no judgment about why the bird needs a rest from it's journey.....no, it calmly and beautifully offers a safe place...a tree is symbolic for many things to me...I think nature encompasses so much of God's character...his ability to forgive us even in the most terrible of situations....he renews us over and over when we simply ask...he offers us shelter in the storm...he provides all we could ever want...and when we are finally free from what burdens us he simply offers a place for us to rest...no questions, no expectations, no judgement...just rest...

It's a beautiful thing!

Friday, January 20, 2017

I still have hope!

Can I just admit i'm hurting...is that ok? Is it ok to cry, to feel alone...to feel like your dying and no one gives a crap...everyone misunderstands every.single.thing. you say...write..text...blog...etc...I'm tired...

I have vowed to make it my lifes work to help others that have been abused by their church...the pain of this is unbelieveable...for years now I have tried to stuff it, laugh it off, play like it wasn't there,read about how to 'get over it' and I have realized unless I face these feeling head on with full force I can't move on...I'm stuck...everything brings on the memories...I hate this...I want to be done with it...the pain is almost unbearable at times...I still have hope...

I had a dream last night...I was in some big city...Dallas maybe...I had drove there myself and was fine, the plan was to stay the night and drive home the next morning...have no idea why I was there..LOL...but I got a call saying the plans changed and I needed to come back right then...I tried explaining to the person(unknown) that it was dark and I couldn't drive after dark...I didnt even know which way to go after leaving the parking lot...the person kept insisting I leave right then...I was totally lost, confused and kept explaining I didn't know how I had even gotten to where I was so there was no way for me to find my way back...they hung up on me and just left me...sitting there...trying to figure out what I was suppost to do...This is so how I feel inside...everyone that I loved, cared about, counted on has left...left me standing in the middle of all this mess and telling me to move on...get over it...I am screaming inside "I WANT TO GET OVER IT"...but I don't know how...in my dream I remember looking for a GPS...I think in my life I am hoping to find a GPS...a map, a set of rules to follow to get back to where I used to be...I want to be that happy person, the person that loves life again...but I don't know how...so much has changed...theres an old song by Cher that says..."If I could turn back time"....Oh! how I wish I could...Go back and undo all that has happend...I know I can't...but I just feel so stuck...like this whole process has come to a halt and I can't go forward or  backwards...I'm just stuck...and no one gives a crap...Let me say I know my husband does...he gets it...but I even try to hide all my emotions from him, because I feel like after all this time I should be better...I mean its been 3 years..I have learned alot in this 3 years.... I will admit that...some of it has been beneficial, some...not so much...but I am sure what I have learned...both good and bad... has importance to my journey in the big scheme of things...

With all this said...I'm gonna sign off for now...thanks for letting me get all this out...I don't like ranting or pouring out my emotion like this...its hard for me...but it seems to be a bit easier on a computer screen...maybe because I don't personally know some of you out there...maybe its because I don't feel the judgement I do with people in real life...whatever the reason I want to say thank you for allowing me this space and thanks for "listening" if you happen upon this...I may do this again from time to time...maybe I just need to get it all out...this wound has festered far to long and it needs cleaned out...it may be ugly at times...so bear with me...I still have hope... that this thing will eventually quit hurting so much....and again, thank you for allowing me space..

Much Love and Light

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Peace and Harmony

Been a few days since i've been here...funny how time gets away from us sometimes isn't it? Hopefully I can begin to do better and blog a couple times a week....time will tell!

So, have you ever got up one day and said to yourself....you know, what i'm doing isn't working? Have you ever thought or wondered why you chase after people, so-called friends that really couldn't give a crap about you on a deep level? Have you realized its time to change and go a new direction?

This has been where I am for a couple weeks now...the battles I have fought the past few years have been hard...harder than I can put into words...I see them finally ending...I am making peace with myself a little at a time...its nice...its ok just be who I am, believe what I believe and if that's hard for people...well, it just is...Facing the reality and hard truth of being in a cult your entire life is hard...life changing....having to reconstruct all you thought you knew is even harder...but i'm ok and will continue to grow and find my own way...

Friends...this is a hard one...I have lost several over the course of the years since leaving the cult...we no longer fit their agenda...it was hard because our hearts were in the right place and we truly loved these people...we cared for them like family....they were gone the instant we no longer 'believed' the way they did...Others, stayed around for awhile until it got to hard to hear us speak the truth...my truth, my husbands truth...people have a hard time with that don't they? 

They don't ever tell you the truth about whats going on, its usually the deafening silence to the text you send....you never get response to emails...you call they don't answer and never call back that finally clues you in that your not as important as you once were...at first you make excuses that they are busy...maybe not feeling well...then one day it you get real with you and admit that these people that once seemingly had all the answers to your problems, suddenly don't know anything...you have become a burden to them...I'm in this place right now and its hard...another battle I must fight...

It's always been funny(not funny ha-ha, but funny weird) how when we have a similar belief system to our friends we are ok, but when we begin to question it, things go south quickly...I have learned and am learning people can't or wont answer the hard questions or tell you they don't what your talking about...crazy!...people mainly Christians cannot handle doubt...but I would also bet to say most of those that can't handle it have their own doubts they are afraid to voice...I grew up in a system of being told doubt was the devil/demons in your life...to doubt equated with being lost and going to hell....doubting meant you were not 'saved'....questioning meant you were rebellious...it doesnt matter there are contridictions in the bible...whatever you do don't question them or God will surely punish you...When we were attending the cult and doing what we were told to do and believed what we were told to believe we were ok with our 'friends'....they have all but disappeared out of our life...it saddens me deeply...I can say I have honestly never felt more alone in my life...but I also know sometimes we need the silence and solitude to find ourselves...My husband has been my rock and I have tried to his in this time of finding what were all about...

I find guided meditation to be amazing in helping me to release my anxiety and anger over all this...I have begun doing some simple yoga exercises and try to fill my day with positive thoughts....I do admit though I fail often at that one...Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call a friend and just chat openly and honestly about things...I hope in time to meet people looking for the same thing...

Meeting people is hard....The only friends we ever had were church friends....that's how we met people...we were taught unbelievers would drag us into their sin if we befriended them....I know, so wrong and very, very sad.......its like we're socially stunted in our ability to know how to meet others...i'm sure in some ways we are due to the enviroment we spent so many, many years in...We also live in a very rural area and most here when you meet them invite you to church....LOL....its just hard....while we are not atheist we are not sure what we believe....at least at this point....We are not 'anything'....I think at this time we are just exploring and finding what makes sense in our life, for our life...much of what we have taught was lies and flat out wrong...I personally have enjoyed reading about Buddhism, but i'm not sold on some of the practices...I identify with some of the teachings but not all....

I think I mentioned before I am by default a nature lover...I love nature...I admire it and could just sit in the sunshine all day long pondering all of creation...I told a friend one time I found God in nature....the lessons to be learned are many....she agreed with me at the time, and I knew she didn't get the depth of what I had spoken...for me...God is nature and nature is God....I have felt this way as far back as I can remember in my life....even as a small child...I truly find and feel God while in nature...they are one in the same...Christianity disagrees with this stance and thats ok....I was elated to find buddhism identifies with this idea...Whats strikes me oddly is that the Bible, the book christians hold in the highest esteem speaks alot about nature...there are many references and parables using nature as their teaching...seeds and sowers...eagles and chicks...many, many references...so for me I don't get the disconnect there, but for many christians there is one..we, humans are part of the earth....we came from the earth according to the bible....our bodies have the same minerals found in the soil, I don't believe this is an accident...however there is much more to this I won't get into here....but we do need to consider that in order to live, sustain life we need water from the earth....we eat food taken from the earth...animals eat from the earth....we are part of the earth...we came from it(if you believe in creation) and we need it to continue to sustain us...we are literally one with the earth....or thats how I see it...again this is a belief I have held many many years but never expressed it due to the fact I knew I would be blasted and condemned...In the sect of Christianity I was in this was all rubbish and held no merit so I tried hard to supress my thoughts, feelings and who I was...I hate that...I hate I wasted so much time...it brings me to tears knowing I have wasted many years of my life trying to be someone I wasn't to accepted by people that never really cared...

So now I am moving forward...trying to find my way back to me...who I am....what I want to do with what time I am afforded on this earth....I am hopeful to find others walking this same journey....people that are real and that can accept others for who they are and what they are...people looking to live peace and in harmony....

Monday, January 9, 2017

Free to be Free

Well good morning blog land...not sure if anyone is reading here but I will continue to blog as I find it therapeutic....

Another lesson I have found I learned through my dads dying process was to be yourself...Don't be someone or something your not...That is something I have struggled with for many years...Somewhere along the path of life I allowed others to dictate to me who I was and needed to be...the sad thing about that is I allowed it and in this process became very unhappy with my life and myself...Ironically I am finding now that I am finding me again, the people that loved the 'fake me' are struggling with the real me....

Let me see if I can explain...

When I say fake I don't mean my entire self was fake...I was a true christian, saved, and believed in the bible...I prayed, followed the 10 commandments(best I could... we all fall short)attended church when the doors were open and generally tried to be a good person,the person Jesus would want me to me...

But there was this nagging inside of me that kept saying something was amiss... there were some things I did not believe...I never believed all other religions were evil and came from Satan....I never believed deep in my heart all homosexuals were "hell" bound....I never believed in a literal hell, a place of fire where we burn for all eternity never to cease...I have never believed all of mankind is born depraved without one ounce of good in them....I have never believed one can recite a few words with another person of faith like a preacher and be saved...salvation is personal and needs to be worked out not repeat after me and all is good...but that's a whole 'nuther topic...

So when I say I was a fake, I think what I mean to say is that in order to fit in with the church I was in I went along to be accepted...Sad, I know...

During the time my dad was dying and my reformation was taking shape I realized that life is really, really short....Many of us spend what few years we have trying to find who we are, what we believe and what we wanna be...many of us also allow others to dictate that to us...We just go along with it, because for whatever reason we feel others, especially those in leadership somehow know more than us....I have found that to be false....Now, Im not saying leaders should be disrespected or looked at as less than...but that we need to really be careful who we put our trust in and we really need to know for ourselves what we believe and why...Many of the doctrines in churches today are fallacies and man made....they keep people in bondage rather than allowing freedom...I honestly believe, at least in my own personal case that the teaching of all other religions are wrong, and if you are part of them you will go to hell and burn forever is nothing more than a control mechanism used in cults to keep you in submission and to keep you from learning the truth...I cannot tell you the countless nights I spent in utter despair worried about going to hell....wondering if I had sinned in someway that day that was hell worthy...I was terrified...this is not Christianity....Please understand I am not saying satanism or any religion that promotes gross acts of violence such as rape, murder, torture or sacrifice of animals is ok...I am speaking of religions that promote love, kindness, acceptance, and that make us better people.

I have spent several months now in deep, deep research...research of Christianity and Buddhism in particular...I have found such similarities that it is astonishing...I have also found striking similarities in the story of Mithra and Jesus...the story of Osiris is also another mythological stories with shocking similarities....why and I telling you this?...It is certainly not to dissuade your faith....however I am a huge believer in truth...and the truth is, whether we want to see it or not is that there are other stories in history that are undeniably similar to the story of Jesus...Now does this make me unchristian to believe these stories...I don't think so...but many will disagree and that's ok....I am a huge advocate of do the research and decide for yourselves....below I will leave a link to a well done documentary of these things...

Switching gears back to more personal issues....

Over the weekend while doing some research and reading about abuse in churches I came across the quote that is posted above (very similar to the taking the mote from your own eye scripture in the bible...I paraphrased)...it was life changing in some ways....I have often said over the years that what you don't like in someone else is likely a quality you don't like in yourself...I said that over 20 years ago to my cousin and have said it countless times sense then...but for some reason seeing it in writing and realizing others see that as well just resonated with me...See, in the church I was in for 13 years there were 5 key players in my situation...A lay church member, my own aunt(moms sisters) the pastor, his son(associate pastor) and the pastors wife....each of these people I trusted fully...what I didn't realize is that they were not trustworthy...My aunt, well, I trusted her with my life...Her and I had many conversations in the last year I was there about personal things and even struggles I was having with a couple of members in the church....what I didn't know was that she was friends, good friends with the lay church member in question and both of them were apparently very good friends on the outside of the church with the pastors and their wives....unbeknownst to me every.single.thing I talked to my aunt about was going to the lay member and them straight to the pastors....however, we all know what happens in those situations....much is lost and added to in translation...its the way humans are....all of this 'talk' that I was not even aware of was infiltrating within the general body of the church and I became the topic of great 'concern'...it was all so wrong...none if it was the way it was portrayed...what does this have to do with my dads death of the quote above?...LOL

Well, when my dad was dying and I realized how short life was I began to see how we all mistreat one another in the name of Christianity...seems it doesn't matter in some denominations what the bible says if the pastor decides you are wrong, you are wrong and you get no chance to defend yourself...this is very common in cults...The very people accusing me of  things were they themselves doing the exact same things and worse in some cases...So, when I read the above quote, that I had all those years ago realized myself...I had an epiphany...an a-ha moment...a moment of clarity and enlightenment...the angels singing alleluia in the background kind of moment....LOL...you get the point...I realized that they themselves possessed the very qualities they said I did....My struggle with all of this was because I don't see it...not out of not wanting to, but because the qualities are not there....those closest to me in my life will tell you they don't see those qualities either...I have spent all these years wanting to clear my name...wanting them to hear my explanation...wanting them to say they were sorry for lying about me...wanting something, anything from them...but when reading the above quote I realized none of what they think matters...they, are the ones messed up...they are the ones in the cult being controlled and lied to...they are hurting and for that I am sorry...these people did me a favor by 'shunning' me....they have allowed me freedom...and for that I am grateful...I now feel free to become who I really am...I have the freedom to figure all of this out for myself...I will never again allow the opinions of others to destroy me or my soul...I will never again buy into all the garbage that has been dumped on me and others in the name of Christianity...Please understand I am not saying Christians are bad,....most are not...they all mean well...but when we really, really study and dig and forge our own path...when we become serious about bible history and history of religion in general then and only then can we really begin to understand our christian beliefs and how they formed...in my opinion it is not evil or hell worthy to study the origins of religion....we cannot possibly know what we ourselves believe if we have never really studied...there has been much abuse in the name of Christianity over the years...it is a sad fact...I am a product of that abuse...so are my siblings...the hurt and destruction are great, but it has also allowed each of us to find our own way...it took me many years longer to begin this journey than them...I regret I didn't do this years ago...Many good, honest, "saved" people are leaving organized religion in droves....why? Because of the dogmatic way the bible is being used against people...I truly believe that is the reason in many, many cases....until pastors and and church leaders understand you cannot beat someone with the bible and scripture to get them "Saved" and to "Submit" this trend of church membership declining will continue and the shift towards a more loving, accepting approach will continue to emerge and I personally believe that is a good thing.

I hate that so many out there destroy others happiness in the name of religion...I hate that Christianity has been so misused and misunderstood...a good article on this you will find here... The bible: So misunderstood its a sin 

So many churches and christians have used the bible as a way to control and manipulate people...its horribly sad...I have vowed to no longer be party to that kind of neanderthal  thinking....I want to love and be loved...I want to show people a better way to live...a more peaceful and restful way...I want people to see God in nature and all living beings....I want people to see God as love not as some person or being in the sky waiting to judge our actions as good or bad...we must all walk out our own path according to what we believe...if God led us all the same way we would all believe the same things and be the same denomination....each of us have a path...and that's ok...we will all find God in our own time, in our own way...See, religion, all religions were designed as a way to help us control ourselves and our actions...religion was never meant to be used as a way to control others and their actions...christians are especially guilty of this...they use religion as a way to dictate right and wrong behavior for the masses...and many while dictating are doing the very things they are dictating against...sad but true...I have done it because it all I knew....

So today, because of a mere quote on the internet I am ok....I will no longer allow them(my old church) to continue to enslave me by allowing myself to believe their lies...I will no longer allow them to manipulate me with their accusations...I sit here today...free....free to be me...free to believe what I choose...free to be free....

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