Hello there friends! Its been longer than I had intended it to be since I last blogged....I've taken some time to just focus on life and be still...Our weather has been very nice so I have been enjoying spending time outdoors, enjoying mother nature and doing some purging of things in the house...
During this time of quiet and reflection I have been able to really let go of some things...I came to the realization that pain can be like a child...Let me explain...
Pain comes from being hurt either intentionally or unintentionally...it can be caused from words or actions...it can even be caused from lack of words or action....however it comes into your life, when it does this is the beginning....the birth of your pain...sometimes we are able to let it go and move on realizing its not our pain to carry.... and other times the pain is so intense and so deep we simply hold on...when we hold on we begin to nurture it, nurse it, love it, raise it.... we almost gloat in it....it becomes our child...it becomes part of us...the longer we care for it and nurture it the bigger it grows...the bigger it grows the more attention it requires...we come to a point in our life that the pain is all there is...we cannot seem to get away from it....like a demanding 2 year old it requires a great deal of our attention and emotion...in turn this makes us angry, bitter and almost paralyzed and unable to even function...the pain now becomes who we are...we have allowed it to take over every aspect of our life....I was to this point...The pain of the things of the past had all but taken my life...I was holding onto to pain from childhood and a devastating pain from 35 years ago...I had been rejected and hurt...it festered in my mind and heart for all these years...instead of letting it go and moving on and realizing it was over and it was the past and living for today and the looking forward to the future, I kept it alive in my mind and my heart...it was destroying me...every little hurt I endured from that point on built on top of all the past hurts...I think I was to a point I was so full of hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness there was absolutely no room for love, compassion, kindness and most of all peace...
Something happened a couple weeks ago with a dear friend...there was a misunderstanding...not serious really, but things had come to a head that had festered for awhile...it was time...it was in that moment that I was able to clearly see some things...I realized so much of what I had thought mattered....really didn't...I realized that for years I have been living my life around what others thought I should be doing, saying, believing etc....In that moment I let go....I understood that I had been living for others hoping to get rid of the pain...See, I guess I thought if I was just did what everyone else was doing my pain would somehow go away...if I just believed enough, had more faith, prayed more, got into the word more...whatever it was they said I needed to do to be happier I was doing....or at least trying to do...but what I realized is that pain doesn't go away by doing things to cover it up....it doesn't go away by pretending its not there...it goes away by
facing it head on.....it goes away by being real with you and who you are....when you do those 2 things you can begin to chip away at the pain that has encapsulated you...I have spent much time in quietness, meditation and self reflection the past couple of weeks....I am finding I am ok without the pain....little by little I am letting it go...placing it back on the ones that hurt me...I no longer wish to carry their words, action, behaviors and unhappiness...When I was carrying all of the baggage they had placed on me, and I willingly carried, I had no room for anything good...I was so full of bitterness, anger, hate that any good that there was, was being smothered under the load...This child of pain had grown to the point I could no longer carry it...it was time to release it and let it go....let it go its own way...give it back to the rightful owners.
I refuse to allow myself to be held captive by someone else's words action or behavior ever again...Life is short....I have more life behind me than before me at this point...I do not have time to waste in being weighed down by hurt...I know hurt will come again, its part of being a human being...but I also understand the vitalness of letting it go and not raising it....not hanging on to it....I no longer want to be in victim mode...I am a survivor!
I will no longer allow others to dictate what I should or should not believe
I will no longer allow others to treat me as if I am less than
I will no longer allow the behavior or others to tell me how I should act
My journey is not your journey and vice versa....We should never try and get someone to conform to what our ideas are...We are all unique individuals...we have unique feelings, thoughts, ideas and mannerisms...our differences should be embraced, not stifled....Be who you are and love yourself...I am finding the me that I so long ago left to be what others thought I should be...Sadly, that is time I cannot get back...but I can certainly make the most of what time I have left...and I intend to do just that!
It is my sincere hope each that read this, take inventory of your life and let go of anything you need to let go of....be who you are in-spite of what others think...embrace you...the real you...if you have pain...drop it right where you are...walk off and refuse to pick it back up...when others bring it up and try to get you to carry it just a little further...smile, and quietly walk away...let it be....let it go....move on!
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